Reflection & Healing

Day 6

September 7, 2024

Coming home had made the healing process feel so sloooooowwwww. Being home with your babies, but not home with your babies, was the worst. So many things you planned and longed to do…the baby’s first swimming and gymnastics lessons, family time at the Fair, soccer practices, and fall walks were painstakingly ripped away. Now, I just planned the weekly menu, grocery list, school drop-off and pick-up schedule, school lunch plan, and after school activity calendar all from the bed. Couldn’t sign myself for anything—my only contribution was assigning other people to pick up my babies and take good care of them.

This made me reflect on how rapidly things deteriorated and how much life can change in an instant. My mom came to stay with the kids as Jay rushed me to the ER. There were no goodbyes and no hugs. Nobody anticipated the severity of the situation. It made me realize how fragile life is and how it is so easy to take for granted. When you are in that much pain, you are thinking about surgery and relief, not how risky the procedure is, or what will happen if something goes wrong and you’re paralyzed or never wake up. It gave me a whole new perspective on life and being a mom. People always said to “not sweat the small stuff” but I have typically been a “small stuff sweater.” It truly doesn’t matter in the end. Love matters, family matters, your health matters.

I started being thankful for the small moments. The tiny, yellow flower Beckett brought me the first time he saw me out of the hospital. Looking at pictures of my little baby that I have yet to see. 💔 Grateful to be able to walk and that I would be able to do all the things with my kids again. It was hard, but it wasn’t forever.

Today was the longest day so far. It felt impossible to be so close to home yet so far. I had no idea how being so active, I would survive on bed rest for the foreseeable future. Today I had managed to sit up for 15 minutes before my spine ached. The physical therapist had warned me about setbacks if I overdid it. So far, I wouldn’t be able to venture to a swimming lesson to watch or bring my kids to the playground or pretty much anything. I was bound to the bed. It was isolating and lonely. I tried to remind myself that sacrifices now would lead to payoffs—hopefully by Christmas.

I’m not typically a “glass half full” kind of person. I mean, I think it’s better to be, and would love to claim it, but I’m not. Tonight was a tougher night. Being home but not able to take care of the kids and do the simple things was rough. Jay and I couldn’t be together because I wasn’t staying at home and the kids needed to be home. I was home but not home. Here, but couldn’t be more far. I knew the reasons. I couldn’t climb stairs, I couldn’t sleep on the couch, I couldn’t peel Kennedy off of my body that she thinks is a jungle gym, I couldn’t preserve my fragile, healing spine at home. I couldn’t do dinner, bath time, books, or bed. I knew that it was a sacrifice that would pay off when I could boogie board with Beckett, take Kennedy shopping, horse around with them, or even run one day. But, man, was it hard. And this was only day one. I said a prayer and looked up one of my favorite poems:

I knew to get through this I would need to lean on faith. Optimism was great, but I needed God and prayer right now. I knew there was only one set of footprints right now, and that without being carried, I would be crumbling. I looked up bible verses about healing.

I came across this one and knew that this was the answer. It was faith. Knowing that nothing is too hard for God and believing in the power of prayer. The only way I was going to get through this was to have faith. Easier said than done, but I was going to try. Pray, rest, walk, and believe.

One of my dearest friends Ashley came over tonight. Love you so much Ash. It made a big difference tonight.

I never thought of myself as strong. But I guess you never know the strength you are capable of until you are forced to dig deep. I had to for Jay, my family, and most importantly my babies that need their momma.

Thanks for all of the support and kind words. Everything has meant so much to me and my family. 💜