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Day 5

September 6, 2024

Today is Day 5. I woke up and decided to discontinue the painkillers. I hadn’t had any overnight and I rated my pain a 2. This was definitely impacted by the fact that my pain in the ER would have been rated a 20…I think I told them a 9 or 10, that’s what happens after you have a baby. Is it as painful as childbirth? That’s a 10. Labor with Beckett was horrendous and I had no pain management. This experience was a step below that because crouched on the floor I could intermittently get relief. That said, the epidural finally worked with him after 12 hours, no amount of morphine, Ativan, or Dilaudid could touch this. By the time surgery was over, they had administered IV morphine, IV Ativan twice, IV Dilaudid twice, and IV fentanyl. Labor with Kennedy didn’t rank. I received an early epidural and it was a non-event. I think I would prefer it to having a cavity filled.

I took two Tylenol and was given a shot to prevent blood clots, an IV steroid injection, and potassium. This morning I felt increased pins in needles in both feet. Previously, it had only been in my right foot. The doctor did an assessment and I could sense touch on both feet, although less well with my right. My pelvic region was still numb and everything felt awkward. Sitting, lying, walking, standing, nothing was the same. Nothing felt like it would ever be the same again. It’s funny how your perspective changes when going to the bathroom and standing become the most challenging aspects of your day. You start to think about all the past grievances you’ve had and how they are so insignificant compared to the threat of becoming paralyzed overnight.

My sister Jessica called me. When I was taken into surgery some rushed to the hospital to be there for me. She met Jay there at a moment’s notice since the decision for surgery was so abrupt. She told me that she needed to be there, “in case anything happens.” That’s my logical sister, haha. It was more than that. And to be honest, with the severity of the surgery, and with her as my health care proxy, I did need her there. They waited 5 hours to see me after surgery. Waking up and seeing Jess and Jay was so reassuring. I was scared, sick, and disoriented. I was so lucky to have a sister and a best friend all in one. Love you to the moon Jess. 💜 Love you too, Jay! 😘

I missed my babies. I had seen Beckett once but not Kennedy. My heart broke for her. We FaceTimed but I know she didn’t understand this. They discussed my discharge today and as long as I was confident that I could go to the bathroom, shower, and manage my pain, I was headed home. I told them I would let them know in the afternoon. I would be going to Granny’s house, not home. It was too soon to fend off jumping toddlers, pick things up off the floor, navigate stairs (Granny has a stair lift), or even to walk for that matter. The kids would come visit but I wasn’t ready to go home yet. My heart was wrenched. But I tried to think of the positives, at least I wasn’t in a wheelchair. I mean, I couldn’t really walk, so for distances I was in a wheelchair, but at LEAST my knees bent and I could shuffle my feet along.

The physical therapist came in and we walked around the hall. She discussed exercises to do at home and the amount of chair sitting (no longer than an hour) and walking I should be doing each day (at least to the bathroom once an hour). Mobility would help me heal, but limited mobility. Too much walking or sitting upright would disturb the nerves. My only goal at this time was to avoid paralysis and allow my damaged and pinched nerves to heal. There would be no physical therapy at this time because sometimes they “overdo it” and I was in a fragile state.

I googled, “How long do damaged nerves take to heal.”

As I kept reading, I found that crushed nerves heal less well than cut nerves. Great. Basically all my nerves were crushed. I stopped and said a prayer that the feeling in my legs and pelvis came back, that I could be one of the lucky ones, that September 1, 2024 wasn’t the last day I ever felt normal. That my life wouldn’t from here on out be defined by “before my injury” or “after my injury” but would it would become more of a distant memory as time went on.

Baby steps. Basic bodily functions? Check. Shower? Not well, but check. Pain? Mostly under control. I told the doctor I believed that I had a UTI and wanted to order a test. Other than that my pain seemed to be managed with Tylenol. They would send me home with Oxycodone in case, but I hoped to avoid taking it.

I ate some lunch, called Jay and let him know to come pick me up, and dreaded leaving. I didn’t want to leave. Getting to the car and riding home seemed like an insurmountable task. I probably would have stayed in the hospital another month. Being home was more of a reminder of all the things I couldn’t do, and how this was real life. There was something about the hospital that allowed you to disassociate. Allowed you to pretend that things weren’t as bad as they were. Not being able to pick Kennedy up or truly hug Beckett or do anything at all would make this all real. And I was fine putting that off. Either way, it was time to go. I laid in bed and waited to get my last IV steroid injection, for my IV to be removed, to get my last blood clot prevention shot, and my discharge paperwork and meds. It wasn’t like I could walk and collect my things, unplug my phone, or put on shoes. I was 100% dependent at this point. If you know me, you can imagine just how awful this was for me.

I was discharged at 5:00. Jay came and collected all of my things, brought them to the car, and would meet me at the ER entrance. I would be wheeled down by a nurse. Before I left I talked to my work bestie, Angela. We had been attached at the hip for three years now as we started a reading specialist program at our middle school. We had each been at Memorial Middle School for the same amount of time and this was the first September since 2019 that we had been apart. Love you Ang! 💜

I was sent home with a walker and a pillow for the car ride. I got in the wheelchair and told the nurse some of my story. This was rare after all, they didn’t have many emergency spinal surgeries. It was a procedure that they delayed for months at a time, trying every option including pain management to avoid the severity and danger of the exact surgery I had. For a spinal surgery I would have researched surgeons for months, determined to find the most capable hands to entrust with my life and future. In this instance, I had to hope that whoever was on call would do justice to my spine. God was with me and I will forever be grateful for Dr. Pieters who was on call and managed to get to the hospital, scrub in, and prep for surgery in an hour. Additionally, he was able to operate without slicing my nerves or thecal sac.

As we walked through the ER, I noticed at least 40 separate patients waiting to be seen. When I came there was only 1 person ahead of me. I wouldn’t have made this wait and maintained my ability to walk. Also, since Cauda Equina Syndrome is so rare, I wouldn’t have been identified as having an emergency until it was my turn. I shuddered at the thought and thanked God that I came at the perfect moment.

We walked past one of my security friends from a few days earlier. I waved and said, “Hey, remember me?” and his jaw dropped.

“You’re STILL here?”

“Yeah, I needed emergency spinal surgery. I told you I couldn’t walk!” I showed him my scar and recapped my experience.

His mouth hung open and he remarked, “That’s fucking CRAZY.” We talked for a few more minutes and then my nurse wheeled me out to the car. The security guards I had were great and a stark contrast to my MRI and reception experiences. I was glad that I got to see them. Nobody thinks much about it, but when you’re in that degree of pain and treated with compassion, it does make a difference. Props to them for making a horrid experience that much more bearable.

Through the doors. Outside. Here we go. Stand up, grab the door, no bending, twisting, or lifting, slow, shuffle, slide in, don’t jostle the nerves, pillow, lean back, brace. I took a deep breath. It was only an hour.

One of my besties Ashley called and we chatted with her on the way home. We were actually crossing paths as she was on her way into the hospital. She was a pulmonary nurse at UMass Memorial. It made the drive go faster and eventually we were home. Love you Ash! 💋

Jay backed into the driveway, I hobbled with my walker to the stair lift, rode up to the top of the stairs, went to the bathroom, and made it to the chair. Jay went to get me takeout and my mom set up the guest room with all of my clothes, shoes, and necessities for the next week or more. Granny helped too and it was nice to see her and my mom after my time in the hospital. Granny is like a second mom to me and between her and my mom I am so lucky. Jay was an angel. Best family to have. Love you all. ❤️

My test results were in and I did in fact have a UTI but the doctor wouldn’t receive the results until the morning. I would have to wait for meds. Jay and I watched tv, ate, and went to sleep. We got up at 1:30 to get medication. I had a migraine and UTI symptoms and was generally miserable. I watched tv and eventually fell asleep.

Day 5 complete.